Love Means Never Forgetting to say You're Sorry

You will not be surprised to hear that much of my pregnancy and early child-raising years were spent reading all the “how-to” books for my generation of mothers. I could quote Dr. Spook and was a PET enthusiast. (Parent Effectiveness Training was being taught in every elementary school.) Had there been “Parenting for Dummies” I would have read that one, as well. 

However, my time would have been better spent in etiquette classes learning varied ways to offer apologies. I’ve spent many of the years since that time apologizing for all the things I did wrong as a parent.

I’ve apologized for choosing the wrong names for my children. My daughters, and many of your daughters, were named Stephanie and Jennifer. While I love knowing that my kids were in the top 99% in standardized testing at school, being in the top 99% of names in the USA today may not be a source of accomplishment.

I named my son Benjamin (a great Biblical name) and Tyler (after Phoebe Tyler, a character on the soap opera I was watching at the time.) He has reminded me, and shared with all his friends, that I named him for a soap opera villain-a female soap opera villain. (Benjamin only made it to 89% in current stats of names in USA.)

Name Stats for your research pleasure.

I’ve apologized for making them wear a variety of Halloween costumes. Our family’s oral history has it that I forced them to be cute cartoon characters or popular entertainment stars when my son really wanted to be Dracula year after year after year.

I’ve apologized for not allowing them to watch R-rated movies until they were R-rated ages. I still think it was a good theory, but it seems I caused them great distress at school when they weren’t able to quote Freddie Krueger lines with the rest of their classmates. 

I’ve apologized for both helicopter parenting and for not always being there for them.

I’ve apologized for making them walk home from school when they didn’t want to and for not letting them walk home from school when they did.

And there will be more apologies.

When they discover that those baby books in the attic are rather slim on cute stories and pictures, I will apologize.

When I allow their children to eat ice cream with every meal, I will apologize.

When I forget that Jennifer likes chicken and dumplings, but Stephanie does not or when I forget that Ben doesn’t even like the smell of corn, I will apologize.

It is important, of course, to remind your children that you would never fail them deliberately, you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.  But it is also important to apologize.

The memorable quote from “Love Story” about love meaning never having to say you’re sorry is just not accurate. Never miss an opportunity to apologize for the childhood trauma you triggered, or you will be the repeated topic of their therapy for years to come.